3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
