apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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