so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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