My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
