Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
