my phone needs a breathalizer
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
