I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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