I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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