i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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