my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
