just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
