i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
