Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I got inside last night via doggy door
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
