Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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