Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
