just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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