I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
