i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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