you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
