I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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