I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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