Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
