ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
