why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
