i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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