he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
