i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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