I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
