dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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