Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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