May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
