im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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