today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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