She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We got so high we made milksteak
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
