She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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