Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
