I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
BRING THE BAGELS
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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