two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
