so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
