Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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