Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize