I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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