So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
