I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
