I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
