M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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