the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
