The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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