while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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