I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
