I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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