Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
