Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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