As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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