I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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