and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
