You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
