He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
