and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
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Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My feet surprised me
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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