Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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