In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
